The Cuckoo, as a metaphor of the Nigerian Situation

A cuckoo chick, and it's surrogate mother! Notice the size, and plumage difference!

There is a very interesting, and fascinating bird, it is called a cuckoo! 

The bird is famous for one thing; the fact that it never, at any given time, brings up it's young! 

Rather, through one of the most crafty, and ingenious, acts of deception, it uses other birds to raise it's young!

It usually begins with a female cuckoo laying a single egg, in the nest of another bird, of a different specie! 

Usually, the target bird would have eggs of her own, in the nest!

The cuckoo's egg, because of the evolutionary wiring developed over countless eons, usually hatches first!

This act, dooms the original eggs, for which the nest was constructed! 

As soon as the cuckoo nestling emerges from the egg, it instinctively seeks out every unhatched egg in the nest, and systematically pushes it out of the nest!

When the "mother" bird, who we shall from this moment call the surrogate, returns: it would consider the loss of the eggs as not being a total disaster, since it still has one chick to raise! 


Also, it would be too late in the season for it to mate again, and lay a fresh clutch of eggs!

Thus begins the second part of this journey in deception!

The surrogate toils night, and day, to raise it's single chick! 

At a particular point in the process, the chick even becomes bigger, and radically different in plumage, from the surrogate: yet she gets fed, by the surrogate!

What is actually happening, is a process called imprinting! 

The surrogate registered the product that emerged from "it's egg" as her offspring: and as long as that "offspring" asks for food, something inside the surrogate, it's maternal instincts, compels it to feed the now grown cuckoo chick, which is now twice the surrogate's size! 



It is a case of listening to one's heart, instead of the head!

Do you see the parallels between the cuckoo, and the Nigerian situation?

In our case, the cuckoo represents the government! 

The people are the surrogate, who believe, that they have a stake in the government! 

They pay their taxes, the country makes a lot of money from oil, but it only nourishes, an illegitimate leadership!

Illegitimate in the sense that they have no interest in fulfilling the aspirations of the people!

How did we end up with a cuckoo? 

When we voted, our votes were trashed, and and the elections rigged! 

Our legitimate choice, our preferred candidates, were replaced by ghosts selected by a  cabal of a few selfish men!

Like the surrogate, we staunchly, illogically, and mindlessly, defend a government that evidently does not have our interest at heart!

They buy new cars for themselves, but refuse to give us a working mass transit! 

They live in mansions, and make it impossible for us to own affordable houses!

They go abroad for medical treatment, while giving us hospitals that have no drugs, equipment, or personnel!

So I ask a very stupid question, when are we going to open our eyes to see the truth, and acknowledge it as so, instead of just mindlessly defending a government that only takes away from us!

Wake up Nigeria, wake up!

The Solution To Nigeria's Problems!

For the past six months, I have been looking at Nigeria, and asking the question, of myself that is, what single action/solution/move etc, would take us out of our current overwhelming darkness, into the light of civilization!

In the past, when I asked this question, I arrived at corruption, as the ogre that we needed to slay!

I now find myself, with superior information, and the additional wisdom that comes with the passage of time, looking at a different prospect all together!

If we say it is corruption: why does corruption thrive? It does because of a pervasive culture of lawlessness!

One other pet bogeyman we love to blame, is ethnicity, and nepotism! That too, is an issue, but we do not see it in other countries!

So what is our biggest problem, and how can we solve it?

It is the police! 

It is so simple, I do not know why we have never considered it!

What makes the United States of America, a lawful place?

Why do hardened, dyed-in-the wool serial, chronic, law-breaking Nigerians, model citizens in the United Kingdom?

The answer to the two questions above, is simple! 

The Police in these two countries, cannot be influenced!

If Barack Obama, the American president, for some inexplicable reason, decides to drive himself, and goes over the speed limit, an American policeman, would gladly issue him a ticket for over speeding!

If he tries to influence the man, by declaring that he is the president, another offence would be added to the first, trying to influence an officer of the law! These would be sufficient grounds to commence impeachment proceedings!

In Nigeria, the reverse is the case! When a local government chairman wants to drive against oncoming traffic, his police detail, actually lead the way!

In like manner, when someone in government wants to show an opponent, who is not so privileged, he sends policemen to rough him up!  

If you break the law in Nigeria, and find yourself in police trouble, you are sure that the solution to your problem, has a price!

If you offer the investigating police officer five hundred naira, and are turned down, you can increase it to five thousand naira!

If he rejects that one too, you go to his superior officer, and offer fifteen thousand naira! If the inspector refuses your offer of fifteen thousand naira, you go to the divisional police office, with a bribe of fifty thousand naira!

If the DPO refuses to play ball, then you may need to take five hundred thousand naira, to the commissioner for police!

Should the commissioner refuse your offer, you are bound to find someone, between him, and the inspector general of police!

In so doing, one is able to kick the law in the teeth, and get his way!

Murderers, kidnappers, hired killers, election riggers, and all manner of deviants, rule Nigeria, through conniving with the police!

So what is different about the two countries mentioned above, as having a police force, that is a deterrent?

In these two countries, the police actually do their jobs! They solve crimes, and cannot be easily swayed, by the offer of money! 

I am not saying that we do not have a few individuals among them, who regularly collect money, to undermine the law: they are there, but in the minority!

In our own case, we have a culture that undermines the rule of law!

So how can we transform our police force, from one that is corrupted, and for sale, to a truly efficient watchdog?

While the answers may be simple to proffer, the execution would be very costly in human, and monetary terms!

We have a saying among the Yoruba ethnic group of my people, that obe to dun, owo lo pa! (That it cost a lot to cook a very rich, and delicious soup!)

We would need to reorient the force, and this is an almost impossible task! Note, I said 'almost impossible', not impossible!

Too many unqualified people, people either disqualified by reason of being morally wanting, since they are former criminals, and those who do not have the educational qualification, currently wear the police uniform!

These ones would need to go!

Secondly, we would need to increase the salary of the least paid police man/woman, to such a level, that they would not want to jeopardize it, with a fifty naira bribe!

In addition, they should be guaranteed, accommodation for life, on retirement! 

These would be in addition to improving their working condition with equipment that enhance efficiency!

How many times have you seen a police man, wearing the wrong shoes? How many times have you seen them hobbling along in a rickety vehicle, with broken headlamps, and windshield, trying to chase a criminal who has stolen a Mercedes Benz AMG, or a BMW X6?

If the president truly wants to transform Nigeria, let him transform the police!

When the police is transformed, and incorruptible, people would think twice before rigging! A transformed police would make bribe taking, a high-risk venture!

We have the resources, many times over, to make this a reality, what we lack, is the political will! 

IS NIGERIA PREPARED FOR THE INEVITABLE ENVIRONMENTAL,ECONOMIC, AND SECURITY CHANGE COMING?

The dodo was a flightless bird, endemic to the island of Mautitius! The bird had dwelt on the uninhabited island, before the coming of the Dutch, the first humans, who settled on the island in 1598!

Before the arrival of man to the island, the bird had no natural enemies, and hence did not know the meaning of danger, and fear!

It did not flee from humans, or their pets.

By 1681, the last dodo was killed! The birds were killed by the settlers for food; their cats, pigs, and monkeys, also took a toll on the birds!

The English expression, dead as a dodo, connotes two things: the first is one impervious to change, and the second, the act of obliterating something!

Our country has dwelt in unmerited security  from amalgamation, to independence, and up till the end of the last century!

However, this unearned security, is being threatened by insurgents like Boko Haram, and previously, by the militants of the Niger Delta!

But these are still infinitesimal threats, compared to the possible threats that lie on the horizon!

A friend of mine, Cordelia Okpei, inquired once on her status on Facebook, what would happen, if snow started falling in Lagos?


We all joked about it, and the conclusion was that, many would die like flies on a rainy day!

Our record, when it comes to emergency response, is zilch!

The way our nation is set up, our leaders see problems, not as an opportunity to learn, with the view to making provisions for the future, but as an avenue to make money!

So when problems come, instead of the nation learning a lesson, we do not, instead, someone makes a killing, financially, and literally!

I suspect that if we should see snow tomorrow in Nigeria, Aliko Dangote, or Wale Tinubu, or Mike Adenuga, would get the exclusive contracts to import snow plows! 

In addition, the clearing of snow by their companies, would be subsidized by government! 

And that is how the problem would be addressed, Nigerian style!


Our security apparatus, was a joke for many years, because we did not have any belligerent neighbours like Eritrea, or Somalia! 

So our security system was in suspended animation! 

While America suffered 9/11, we never for once, imagined that one day, we would have our own killing fields, as Maiduguri has become!


When the seeds of insurgency started germinating, in the guise of Kano religious riots, and Musa Makaliki, who first led the Maitasine sect; we treated them with a feather duster, because of religious, and political considerations!

Some decades after, Sheik Zak Zakky, also fomented trouble, and he got away with it!

By the time Boko Haram would knock on our doors, it found us wide open, and unprepared! Despite the various encounters we had experienced with similar insurgents in the past, they were still a mystery!

If we think Boko Haram, is the end of our home-grown insurgency, then we are surely mistaken! 


Al Qaeda, has discovered that the no man's land, between African countries, particularly those that border the Sahara desert, are perfect places to hide from the long arms of America!

That is why we now have AlQaeda in the Magreb, and they are now operating even in Mali! Only one country separates us from Mali! 

Enough on security!

The second area of impending change, is environmental! 


We have a ministry for environment, and many agencies dealing with the same issue, but all they are, is one big cash-cow!

Civil servants use them to attend international conferences, that give access to allowance in dollars for them, and international donor funds!

In the midst of all this "merchandising" , our environment, continues to degrade! 


It has been projected, that due to global warming, sea levels would rise in future, putting in peril, coastal cities like Lagos, Port Harcourt, and Bayelsa state!

As far as I know, people are still being allowed to sand fill, and build on the coast which is projected to be swamped not too long from now! 

In fact, Eko Atlantic City, a multi- billion naira real estate development project, is currently redrawing the coastal geography of Lagos!

Someone would tell me an EIA was conducted! 

True! 

But were the findings objectively assessed, without the blinkers of economic gains,, and political expediency?

And the desert too is there! 

It is vanquishing whole swathes of Northern Nigeria! 

At the rate it is going, some of our best arable land, would become arid regions within twenty years!

The last challenge I foresee, is economic!

Like stubborn children loathe to let go of their unearned lollipops, the governors have been fighting the creation of the Sovereign Wealth Fund!

They prefer to share whatever income accrues from the sale of oil now!

Their grouse is that if they do not, future governments will still spend the money earned now!

We are just waking up, after fifty years of indolence, and profligacy! 

Norway, a country with less oil reserves than Nigeria, has a sovereign wealth fund of 259 billion pounds! 

It is the largest SWF, outside the Middle East!

Ours is a humble, one billion dollars, after fifty years of oil exploration! 

That is an example of how prepared we are for change!

When juxtaposed, it is obvious, that Norway is better prepared to survive after oil! They have invested in alternative sources of income, that would keep their country going for decades, should oil fail!

In addition, they have also invested in clean, and green energy sources!

To ask a silly question which bears asking, are we prepared for change, or are we like the helpless, hapless, and hopeless dodo?

MAY GOD BLESS NIGERIA FOREVER!

CERTIFIED CLOWNS: A SENATE IN NEED OF SANITY

It has taken the Nigerian senate, less than six months to pass a law, criminalizing same sex marriage! It is a wonderful feat in expedited passage of laws! The great feat begins to look silly, when you consider that it took the same senate more than twelve years to pass the Freedom of Information law!


Our lawmakers have shown an inhuman, and mind-boggling capacity for what can only be described as certified, incontrovertible, and indubitable, stupidity! How do we contextualize this new bill, in the light of the glaring challenges faced by Nigerians daily! 

Over eighty percent of Nigerians live on less than a dollar a day

Bills on power sector reforms, constitutional review, and all manner of weighty issues have been foot-dragging through the legislature, like a fasting pilgrim, coming to the end of a thousand mile walk of pilgrimage, and penance; without shoes, in the Himalayas!


Nigerians possess, undoubtedly,one of the richest nations on earth! One where natural resources are surfeit, and able to move the people from poverty, to prosperity!


 However, to the dismay of the ordinary man on the street, a deliberate, and criminal, lack of political will, has made all the wealth of the nation seem like property acquired in dreamland:useless!

Access to water is still a major problem in Nigeria

It is instances like the expedited passage of this law, and the foot-dragging of the same senate, on crucial, and life-changing legislation that would bring Nigeria into the modern world, that continually baffles right thinking people everywhere!

It cannot be that it is because they are not properly remunerated: they are! Our law makers, in the upper, and lower chambers, individually earn more than the American president! And I must quickly add, while working less than Barack Obama!

This is a school!

Whenever we are granted access to the "hallowed" chambers, what one sees, are over-fed, over-pampered, men and women, with double, and in some cases, triple chins! 




They are so full, that they can hardly sit up during debates! They have to slouch, and sometimes sleep, like some five year old, after a long day at school!




One would not be surprised, if, one of these days, a motion is moved to introduce beds into the chambers, to make the work of legislation less-cumbersome! 




These are people whose allegiance, is not to the electorate, but to their stomachs!


They see public service as an avenue for self-enrichment, and not service to the people! They are like the pigs of George Orwell's Animal Farm!


They have hastily passed a law that is useless!  

What is the business of the government, in a person's sexual orientation? Especially, when that government has not invested meaningfully in the lives of her people!


Nigeria might as well be ruled by a colonial master, and her wealth used to develop the colonial master's country; for that is exactly how it feels right now!


We are seeing the wealth with our eyes, and that is where it ends!


My admonition to the pigs is, remember the Spanish saying, that every pig has it's Saint Martins Day!


MAY GOD BLESS NIGERIA, OUR NIGERIA, FOREVER! 

Phantom Pain from a Phantom Government!

There is a weird, but true condition in medicine: it is called Phantom Pain! It is pain experienced by amputees, in the region where a lost limb used to be! 




It is usually treated by administering pain killing injections!


It is hard to believe, but the brain registers pain, as coming from a severed member of the body! What does this have in common with our beloved government? Plenty! 


A phantom is defined as something apparently seen, or heard, but having no physical reality!


Do you see the uncanny resemblance between the definition of phantom, and how our governments at all levels operate?


They make a lot of noise, they posture for us in the media, and speak what is expected: they are politically correct!



When it is time to make good all the elaborate promises, we are left with dry mouths on a hot day, darkness at night, and a vacuum, where there should be support! 




I am beginning to wish it was possible, for one to block them (all governments, at all levels) the way one blocks an offensive person on Facebook!


Why do I need government?


I already generate my own power through my generator, I provide my water through my borehole, I pay for private security for my home, and I use private health providers!


So of what value is government?


I know that the children of the government, those who benefit from them would say, they are there to provide order! 


What order?


Is it the order of the People's Democratic Party, PDP, disobeying a court order, to stage her gubernatorial primaries in Bayelsa, the president's own state?


Is it a part of providing order, to have soldiers cause mayhem, in the supposed fight for Boko Haram?


Will I call the action of government vehicles running me of the road, with their sirens, and large four wheel drive vehicles, order?


If you ask me, the only tangible manifestation of government, at all levels, seems to be the chaos, and disorder they spread!


It seems to me, that government, and phantom pain, are conjoined twins: they both cause pain, and have no gain!


MAY GOD BLESS NIGERIA, MY NIGERIA, FOREVER!

HELL IS NIGERIA!

Hell, a place of torment!




That is what Nigeria seems to have become, at least our roads!
I have not traveled to the Southern part of Nigeria, in the last one year! 




Before this hiatus, I had made an average of two trips a month, between Lagos, and Abuja, by road! And it was fun then! I prefer road trips, more than the cursory flyover, simply because I get to see so many visually stimulating subjects I can photograph!


My latest trip to Ondo town to deliver a wedding cake, is in danger of changing my preferred mode of travel! 




I left Abuja at mid-day, knowing that the trip to Ondo town, would not be more than five hours! I was so sure I would get to there before seven pm that day!


The usual traffic jam, at Gwagwalada, in the Federal Capital Territory,FCT, was there, but bearable! 


The town usually sees high, and intense, traffic jams on Mondays, Fridays, and Sundays! All other days, are better!


From Gwagwalada, the trip proceeded as planned, until a few kilometers to Abaji, the last town on the way out of Abuja!


It was a perfect recipe for disaster! A twelve-wheeled truck, locally known as 911, loaded with onions, fell on its's side! That is normal on our roads! 




What was not normal, however, was the geography of the place! It fell just before a bridge across a river, and at peak period! There was no way out, we could not leave the road, and divert through the bush, so we all waited for the valiant men of the Federal Road Safety Corps!


The Abuja-Lokoja road, has been under construction for the past six, or so years! It is meant to be a dual carriage way, and some sections of the dual carriage are already in place: this was the next factor in our hellish trip! Vehicles approaching from the FCT, not only clogged up the old road, but spilled into the new too, thereby creating a bottleneck!


Those coming into Abuja could not, and neither were we able to go as well!


I have noticed that, wherever there is a flat surface, and a car can be placed on it, Nigerians would drive there! It does not matter if it is the side walk, a football pitch, or someone's compound, or back! Our people would gladly drive on it, without thinking! 


We all stopped, at first, not knowing the exact nature of the accident, and pined away in the wilting heat of a scorching mid-day sun! 




If hell was hotter than this, then it surely was a bad place to end up!


At one point, I heard a commotion in a bus beside my car: a child was convulsing! Apparently, a sick child was in transit with his parents! The poorly-looking, gaunt,and  feeble creature, succumbed to the heat!


In the bedlam, people shouted instructions to the confused, hapless, helpless, hopelessly-looking, and clueless, parents! Some screamed, "make the mama piss for him mouth (let the mother pee in his mouth)! You could tell, I was shocked by my reaction to that one! Others said, "put  a spoon in his mouth! "Pour water for him body!


A smart fellow, picked up an onion, the source of our becalment! I suspect, he was trying to use it like smelling salts! And he seemed to be succeeding! I moved close to see what they were doing to the boy! I was again amazed at the level of lack of care! He was hanging in the air, between four adults! One held him by the head alone, another by his feet, and two others held each hand!


I was afraid the overzealous treatment would kill the boy, so I told the idiot holding him by the head, that he was in danger of strangling him! He then proceeded to hold the shoulders! The father was running around like the infamous headless chicken, making phone calls to helpers unseen!


Eventually, the boy, I guess afraid that they would treat him to death, opened his eyes! The parents, who had no water of their own, had to get some from a co-traveler, to pour on him!


We spent two, and half hours, waiting for the fallen truck to be removed! And the journey continued!


I did not get to Akure till nine pm that night!




My return leg of the journey, was uneventful, until I got to Okene! I always tell my friends that, despite my being a model road user, I am more careful anytime I am driving through Okene! Some of the young men in that town, have such short fuses, and would gladly burn one's car for a trifle!


I was waiting in line behind a truck, wondering why we had not moved, when some government fat cats, sirens blaring, and with full bravado, ignored the line of waiting cars, and took the liberty of the "free" lane meant for traffic coming from the opposite direction! 


As soon as they offered this great leadership, all manner of similar social misfits,joined the trailing train!


And as simple logic dictates, the rightful user of that lane was bound to show up: and he did!




A very big truck! 




One of those juggernauts, laden with goods!




Under normal circumstances, they treat other road users with disdain, and in this case, he was not willing to share his rightful lane!




All the errant drivers started squeezing into any available space to make way for him! In the process, one fellow, smashed my side mirror, and the left front fender! Here I was keeping the law, and suffering from another fellow's recklessness!

Our mirrors locked in a deadly embrace! One can see the
 truck in the background, applying pressure on the Toyota Camry

The Camry, now entering the lane he should have been on.

I took a photograph of the two mirrors locked in the deadly embrace, and his license plate, to ensure I could trace him, if he were to escape! But he did not! So we parked a few kilometers from the madding crowd!


He came down, begging that it was an accident! 


I, as is to be expected, was adamant! I told him he had no business being where he was in the first place! 


His lack of care had become my own loss!


I told him calmly, that he was going to replace the mirror, the scratch on the fender, I would sort out! The fellow volunteered that he was coming from the East, and was broke! He said if I did not mind, we could exchange phone numbers that he would fix the car in Abuja! Then he shocked me: he told me he was a pastor! 

More traffic at Okene, on a single lane road.

Pastor? If pastors are breaking the laws of the land with impunity, what would the congregation do? I did not tell him I was a christian, I intend to have him fix it, so that he would remember to behave in future! And it seemed to work too, because a few minutes after, we encountered some more traffic, and when others were facing oncoming traffic to escape, he stayed put!


Gwagwalada was the last point of extreme road rage! Traffic has to converge on a narrow bridge, within the vicinity of a motor park, and a market! I suddenly found myself waiting again, this time for more than thirty minutes! As I waited, I watched as my temperature gauge kept rising, and I kept praying, silently! 




At Gwagwalada, people formed seven extra lanes on the right shoulder of the road! They raised so much dust, and made so much noise! In addition, others used the shoulder across the road, to form two extra lanes! 

If the other side of the road looked like this, one can only
wonder what the right side would have looked like!

The most culpable people I discovered, were government registered vehicles, and very rich-looking vehicles!  


I kept wondering to myself, if being a government operative, exempted one from obeying the law? 




When I got to where the helpless, overwhelmed, road safety marshals were, I asked them, why they seemed to favour those who were on the shoulder of the road, breaking the law, more than those of us, who were law-abiding? 




They informed me that the government vehicles, including police men, were the cause of the confusion! 




Some policemen, had come to threaten them with guns, to allow them go through an unlawful route!


My experience on this trip, has left me wondering:if I were to be a tourist visiting Nigeria for the first time, and had encountered this traffic nightmare, would I want to come back next time, or recommend the place to others?


Secondly, if there is a medical emergency, like a woman in labour, or a sick child, and they have no access to an ambulance with a siren, would they survive what is gradually becoming a routine for us?


It is obvious that soldiers do not make good policemen, they are not trained to! A situation where military checkpoints, force five lanes of traffic into a single file, and end up, not doing more than look at the occupants of the vehicle, and collect bribes from transporters, leaves a whale lot to be desired!


I am wondering what would happen on the road, when the annual mass migration induced by the yuletide season sets in! With the bad roads, checkpoints, and bad road culture, our people are bound to experience hell on our roads in a season meant to celebrate the coming of heaven to earth! 


MAY GOD BLESS NIGERIA, OUR NIGERIA, FOREVER1